March 3rd, 2009

What follows is one set of thoughts written from the flight from Boston to Dublin. There were several others, as well as a couple of emails, written during the time period at which my ears were assaulted by young children singing Hanukkah and Christmas songs at various degrees of ambience. Don’t fly Aer Lingus if you want to get any rest.

Sometimes I believe that I love the people involved in my life too much. It’s at times like the one that I currently find myself in where this particularly takes its toll - flying away from the people you love dearly to a foreign place with only a vague game plan and next to no contacts is scary. It makes you want to be held and reassured that everything is going to be okay and that you haven’t continuously fucked up your life to the point where you will never be able to love and be loved in return. Maybe it’s the shitty in flight movies, or the fact that I absolutely cannot sleep, or maybe it all works in reverse, but I don’t know what to think or how to react to everything that is going on around me. I should turn off my iPod, this music is just making me sad which should really be a sign to stop and sleep or watch the guy sitting next to me, but sometimes I need to be reminded that I am human and that I feel. 

As much as I hate to put trust into other human beings, those that I end up caring for get an absolute unconditional love, ultimately inflicting myself with more pain. I’d love to think that someday I’ll grow out of it, but it seems pretty unlikely.