December 20th, 2008

hier ist kein warum

I really love nights when my will to live just disappears.

It is as though I’m about to come to the end of something. I felt that there would be no end and now I feel that one is coming, this could be perceived positively and perhaps it should be. [the suicidal sweetheart shows a marked return to happiness. cut to: lace floating on lakes in morning light]

I said that I would not kill myself but I said a lot of things, most I made up as they were leaving my mouth. Theories are built around them later. I’m the type who loves easiest boys who speak in poetry and metaphor. [the heart: just an organ]

I cannot continue to swing back and forth between elated joy and such sadness. TRAVel sickness. My stomach is in my throat and my ears are bLOCKed. I feel so ill, nothing helps. I love so many things about life: I love yellowed pages on green grass in a graveyard, I love dancing in the dark and my monster-colored bruises, I love holding my breath under water. It has always been a matter of whether or not the wonderful things are worth enough to hold out for, and I know that they are, I’m just now weak and -.

I FOUGHT THE WAR BUT THE WAR WON’T STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.