2014 has been so out of this world crazy beautiful, which I kind of needed. Since I moved back to the States, and probably for about a year and a half before that, I was pretty miserable and trying to navigate how to deal with how aware I was of how unworthy and meaningless I felt. All of my discomfort was compounded by a failing relationship that I was wrapped up in trying to save, and spent a month in Berlin attempting to at the beginning of the year. That didn’t work. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone so much but still not be able to be with them until then, and learning that changed a lot.
And here I am now, six months later, having just returned home having spent the 4th of July at my parents with the boy I’m totally lovestruck with. I’ve grown up, or I’m growing up, and everything feels like it’s changing so fast that I’m not quite sure how to get through it all yet, but absolutely everything feels way more important than ever before.
this week has been tears in cabs and break downs on broadway and nostalgia and mixtapes and so much fear. does anything ever change?
i declared a major, though, and it wasn’t what everyone expected, but it is going to be good. everything is going to be good. long term hope twenty-fourteen.
There’s a thesis bubbling under the surface, about love and growing up and how polluted my brain is with a combination of serotonin and oxytocin, memories and hope for the future.
I don’t know anything, and I’m not sure how to proceed.
I’m beautiful and smart and I’m going to make it through everything that is happening. I’m going to be okay.